The moon’s presence

Isn’t it funny how easily your mood can shift sometimes.  I think I’ve gone from content and warm, to anxious and upset, to rushed and lonely, to feeling completely peaceful in God’s presence. It has all happened in the span of a few hours and I felt it all vividly . We can be very complex, yet the simplest things can set our soul at peace. Now if it were easier to understand how to bring those simple mood altering things into our life, then life would be simple. 

But the moon can just be the moon until you innocently look up and see the most perfect full moon framed by clouds as if it was drawn and taped to the window. It’s hard to believe it is even there, it mesmerizes you.  You know that a photo would never do it justice, so you let your eyes do it all the justice they can for as long as they can.  It ducks between windows as the bus turns and you realize that you almost feel a bit of panic.  You need to see it again. But only once you lean excessively in order to and get a glimpse do you realize how ridiculous it is that you needed to do that. The moon will always be there even if you can’t see it.  Even if you can’t see its beauty. 

Thoughts on writing

When I started this blog I had all these big dreams of writing, don’t get me wrong they are still there… just not as strong. I almost wonder, what’s the point? Even if I write a book, which is assuming a lot, then there is the problem of publishing and selling  the book which most people aren’t successful for.  

“Perhaps I write for no one. Perhaps for the same person children are writing for when they scrawl their names in the snow.”

– Margaret Atwood

Back when I was all excited because I had just started and was writing regularly, I realized again how much writing helps me clear my mind and focus my thoughts. I used to write a diary and always found the same thing.  So if I know it is good for me and I’ll enjoy it, why is it that once the excitement wore off I stopped writing.  

I do that with a lot of things. Go gung ho right off the bat and then once the “newness” wears off I slowly, gradually, without realizing it lose momentum.  

I’m feeling lonely tonight and that’s when I feel most like I need to change.  Not change myself but my habits.  My loneliness, which I sometimes worry borders on depression, tends to motivate me to do great things.  Makes me shake things up and try something new or finally, finally finish that old thing I had been procrastinating on. That urge for change led me back to writing tonight so I have to thank it for that. 

I’m jealous of my boyfriend.  He’s been praying more lately and says his whole life feels better since. I know what that is like and yet it too somehow ended up on my list of things that lost momentum. I’m having trouble getting it back. 

I thought I would have trouble with writing tonight as well but I feel like I could write forever now that I’ve started.  Maybe it’s just fear of starting and it not going well all in my head. 

Is it sad that writing makes me feel better than 90% of the conversations I have with people.  It would be nice if other people understood the feeling. I’m already the dork who loves math and physics, might as well add on reading and writing. Make me a well rounded dork.  A well rounded dork who would rather read on the bus than talk to people and literally hopes she won’t see people she knows because other people wouldn’t understand that.  

I’ve realized I also get a lot of motivation from doing things with clubs and teams.  If I feel responsible to other people I’m way more likely to show up. Choirs, sports teams, and now organizing events at work.  I enjoy being busy with all these things but I get to a point where I am so busy and feel so responsible that I’m just flowing between all these things I’m responsible for. I think that’s overdoing it a little, I can’t put my finger on why. But the lack of decisions that need to be made when I’m in that mode is a giveaway that maybe I’m just running away from things instead of making the decision to go towards them.  

To hell with Halloween bashing

I know, I know Halloween is Satan’s holiday and we are clearly all worshiping him for getting out of our houses for once and actually being friendly with our neighbours, not to mention being generous and actually buying something to give to strangers. The horror!

But honestly, I think Halloween really brings out a good side in people. I was driving to my friends house tonight around 7 when all the little kiddies were out and was all worried about driving carefully when I realized that this is probably the most people get out of their house and walk around their whole year. Yeah sure some people walk their dogs and others have to walk to catch buses or because they don’t have a car but essentially people drive everywhere. Maybe it’s just because I live in the suburbs that everyone drives, and I was about to say that there is something really antisocial about always being holed up in your car but when I was thinking about it, people in the city who often walk everywhere are way more antisocial than people from the country who literally have to drive to get anywhere. Got to wonder if there is something to that.

To you, and only you

So I was listening to my choir songs because crazily the concert is only a week away and as usual I don’t know all of the songs yet. I joined my schools gospel choir a year and a half ago now because I love singing and wanted some way to remind myself to keep God in my life. Some days I feel like I fit right in but to be honest a lot of days I feel a bit out of place. Like I’m some sort of imposter for not believing everything to a T.

Problem is I don’t want to be a sheep. I don’t want to just blindly follow a specific religion’s rules when realistically this religion has been passed down and changed and branched into a bunch of different types throughout the centuries. I was raised Roman Catholic and realized a few years ago that I am kind of flexible on m religious beliefs and along with that my religion. I feel like every religion out there has good points on how to live and be a good person and I am willing to learn them all.

Problem is all religions out there also have bad points. I know there are just so many people who would lecture me to death just for saying that but it’s true. The number of times the bible talks about revenge for your enemies makes me sick and has been a big part of why I have trouble reading it.

But back to topic, one of my choir songs, “To Worship You” has one line that kinda peeved me off. It goes, “Our praises belong to you, and only you.” Now I know that doesn’t say much but it gets under my skin when I hear Catholics talk about how the only way to salvation is through our God. I’m sorry but I sincerely believe that’s a load of crap. Of course I don’t know how it all works but there are so many beautiful people from all different religions who deserve heaven more than some of the not so nice Christians out there.

It is not fair to think that it is just some sort of lottery where if you pick the right religion you win. In the end it’s about being a good person, or at least that’s what it should be about.

And if you think people don’t believe that everyone else is screwed well you haven’t talked to enough people. My own grandpa has practically disowned my uncle for becoming Jewish. He’s not the only one.

Reassuringly not all Catholics believe this. C.S. Lewis put it best in his book “The Last Battle”. I know it’s a long quote but hear me out. This is one of my favourites.

“Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honour) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than to be Tisroc of the world and live and not to have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down his golden head and touched my forehead with his tongue and said, Son, thou art welcome. But I said, Alas Lord, I am no son of thine but the servant of Tash. He answered, Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me. Then by reasons of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, Lord, is it then true, as the Ape said, that thou and Tash are one? The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath’s sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dost thou understand, Child? I said, Lord, though knowest how much I understand. But I said also (for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days. Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.”

-C.S. Lewis

*As much as I want to end with that quote I just want to say that in no way do I consider any other’s religions God’s to be “Tash”. As long as your religion is striving for good, I know we are all talking about the same God no matter what we call him.

**Also, I’ve realized that “to you, and only you” could have been referring to worshipping God over money and technology and all those other things we spend way more time in our daily lives worshipping than God. I’d like to believe that is what it is referring to but who knows

***credit for the photo: https://www.pinterest.com/source/jefmurray.com/