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Lilypad painting

Finally finished my painting from the trip to Algonquin park this summer. Just got my wisdom teeth out and trying to be productive with all my resting time. Here it is…

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Imperfect puzzle

Y’know the saying that life is like a puzzle. Well it is but not like the kind of puzzles you do in your free time.  It’s a massive one but also an imperfect one because there is no set image to follow. No rules, or perfect fits. 

See it’s all square pieces that you gather along the way. And you can put them together any which way you like. The trick is that you have to be happy with the image when it’s all said and done.

Reflections on the Christmas break

Remember, it doesn’t need to be a holiday to be spontaneous.

My grandma phoned tonight out of the blue to chat.  She said her and het friends had spent new years eve talking about their favorite part of the last year. I couldn’t help feeling that this Christmas break has been my favorite part (maybe just because I remember it so vividly). I had an unconventional Christmas, spending it with my boyfriends family when snow got in the way of us going up to meet my family at my grandparents.  It was amazingly relaxing to not do three family get togethers for the first time in my life and actually just enjoy Christmas and the free time.  

The break continued with me spontaneously looking up a trip to Niagara falls with my boyfriend and booking it only two days ahead with no prior ideas of going on a vacation, very unlike me.  Again very very much enjoyed.  I needed things to be shaken up a little. I need to remember that I can shake things up whenever I want, not just when there is a blizzard that forces me to

Always look for an opportunity to look at things from a new perspective.

Can’t sleep, too excited!!

Ever have those moments where you can’t believe this is your life. It feels like a dream because you didn’t realize you could do this or be there and especially not that it could happen so easily. I’ve been having a very unconventional Christmas this year. Partially by decision but partially not, I like to think the other half was God’s little twist. 

So the party I decided to do differently was to spend Christmas eve with my boyfriend’s family.  Even though I’ve been dating him for almost five years I have never downy Christmas with his family and man was I stupid.  I always figured that since my family had tons of get togethers abs it was just his parents that I should go to my big crazy family get togethers and see everyone.  Maybe you can see where this is going? That it was ridiculously nice to have my first teaching Christmas ever.

To clarify, I only planned to spend Christmas eve with them. That was I would only miss my dads sides get together and then come up for my moms, only missing one get together.  But then a snowstorm happened, thanks God and I’m not at all sarcastic.  Because of the snow storm I got to relax at my boyfriends families house for the next two days. We made a snowman, went out to the movies, made cookies , went toboganning; all the stuff we had kept saying we should do but never getting around to. I even got to finish one of my books I got for Christmas.

Not to say I didn’t miss my family but things can be a little more stressful with my mother.  She puts all this energy into fairness and doing things right and it somehow turns into complaints about everything that it’s unfair and how you are doing things wrong.  A very winning combo I got a much needed break from. 

My family got back the other day and so we opened presents as a family.  Broke the Wii out after and got along better and had more fun than we had in a long time.  The great holidays continue.  

On top of all that I am ridiculously excited because me and my boyfriend just booked a last minute vacation to Niagara.  For not planning new years it turned out pretty good. I cannot wait!

The moon’s presence

Isn’t it funny how easily your mood can shift sometimes.  I think I’ve gone from content and warm, to anxious and upset, to rushed and lonely, to feeling completely peaceful in God’s presence. It has all happened in the span of a few hours and I felt it all vividly . We can be very complex, yet the simplest things can set our soul at peace. Now if it were easier to understand how to bring those simple mood altering things into our life, then life would be simple. 

But the moon can just be the moon until you innocently look up and see the most perfect full moon framed by clouds as if it was drawn and taped to the window. It’s hard to believe it is even there, it mesmerizes you.  You know that a photo would never do it justice, so you let your eyes do it all the justice they can for as long as they can.  It ducks between windows as the bus turns and you realize that you almost feel a bit of panic.  You need to see it again. But only once you lean excessively in order to and get a glimpse do you realize how ridiculous it is that you needed to do that. The moon will always be there even if you can’t see it.  Even if you can’t see its beauty. 

Thoughts on writing

When I started this blog I had all these big dreams of writing, don’t get me wrong they are still there… just not as strong. I almost wonder, what’s the point? Even if I write a book, which is assuming a lot, then there is the problem of publishing and selling  the book which most people aren’t successful for.  

“Perhaps I write for no one. Perhaps for the same person children are writing for when they scrawl their names in the snow.”

– Margaret Atwood

Back when I was all excited because I had just started and was writing regularly, I realized again how much writing helps me clear my mind and focus my thoughts. I used to write a diary and always found the same thing.  So if I know it is good for me and I’ll enjoy it, why is it that once the excitement wore off I stopped writing.  

I do that with a lot of things. Go gung ho right off the bat and then once the “newness” wears off I slowly, gradually, without realizing it lose momentum.  

I’m feeling lonely tonight and that’s when I feel most like I need to change.  Not change myself but my habits.  My loneliness, which I sometimes worry borders on depression, tends to motivate me to do great things.  Makes me shake things up and try something new or finally, finally finish that old thing I had been procrastinating on. That urge for change led me back to writing tonight so I have to thank it for that. 

I’m jealous of my boyfriend.  He’s been praying more lately and says his whole life feels better since. I know what that is like and yet it too somehow ended up on my list of things that lost momentum. I’m having trouble getting it back. 

I thought I would have trouble with writing tonight as well but I feel like I could write forever now that I’ve started.  Maybe it’s just fear of starting and it not going well all in my head. 

Is it sad that writing makes me feel better than 90% of the conversations I have with people.  It would be nice if other people understood the feeling. I’m already the dork who loves math and physics, might as well add on reading and writing. Make me a well rounded dork.  A well rounded dork who would rather read on the bus than talk to people and literally hopes she won’t see people she knows because other people wouldn’t understand that.  

I’ve realized I also get a lot of motivation from doing things with clubs and teams.  If I feel responsible to other people I’m way more likely to show up. Choirs, sports teams, and now organizing events at work.  I enjoy being busy with all these things but I get to a point where I am so busy and feel so responsible that I’m just flowing between all these things I’m responsible for. I think that’s overdoing it a little, I can’t put my finger on why. But the lack of decisions that need to be made when I’m in that mode is a giveaway that maybe I’m just running away from things instead of making the decision to go towards them.  

To hell with Halloween bashing

I know, I know Halloween is Satan’s holiday and we are clearly all worshiping him for getting out of our houses for once and actually being friendly with our neighbours, not to mention being generous and actually buying something to give to strangers. The horror!

But honestly, I think Halloween really brings out a good side in people. I was driving to my friends house tonight around 7 when all the little kiddies were out and was all worried about driving carefully when I realized that this is probably the most people get out of their house and walk around their whole year. Yeah sure some people walk their dogs and others have to walk to catch buses or because they don’t have a car but essentially people drive everywhere. Maybe it’s just because I live in the suburbs that everyone drives, and I was about to say that there is something really antisocial about always being holed up in your car but when I was thinking about it, people in the city who often walk everywhere are way more antisocial than people from the country who literally have to drive to get anywhere. Got to wonder if there is something to that.

Music

I’m realizing more and more that my music taste is all over the place.  From country to classic rock to gospel you never know what song is next on my playlist. Most of my music is tied to memories. For example, even though I’m not a huge fan of Katy Perry I love her song Roar. It always reminds me that I’m capable of whatever I put my mind to.  Not just because of the cheesy lyrics but because it comes with a really good memory. 

Back when I was in high school I used to help out a lot around the school.  My school was helping to start an outdoor education program in our school board and so I of course ended up helping out.  Loving kids and the outdoors meant it was practically my heaven.  So lunch the one day, me and a few friends are hanging out having lunch when they start setting up a karaoke machine.  They wanted to have a little celebration at the end of the day for the kids.  We decided to have some fun and sing a few songs ourselves when one of the directors comes over and asks us to sing roar in front of all the kids at the end of the day. Guess he thought our little rendition of it was pretty entertaining.  To be honest, it really was. Me singing plus two boys getting way too into the background singing and the chorus. Their roars were very impressive, simba would have been proud lol. Those woo oh oh oh oooohs were one of the most enthusiastic things I’ve ever seen in my life. 

I was ridiculously nervous and probably would have said no if it weren’t for the guys talking me into it and getting pumped.  I’m really glad they did though because it has always been a dream of mine to sing in front of a crowd.  I’ve been part of choirs for as long as I can remember but I could never get the guts to do a solo.  This was my little solo in front of maybe 100 kids, a few other teenagers my age and some adults.  

It was amazing! My voice broke at one point and we were definitely more to the just plain funny side than talented but I had a ball.  To top it off one of the little girls came up to me afterwards and said I was the best singer.  In comparison to two boys yelling and making lion noises I shouldn’t have been surprised but it really meant a lot to me. 

Maybe my singing obsession is just another mommy issue I have because I do have a very distinct memory of me and my friend when I was maybe 10 where my mom complimented her on her voice and said she should be a singer when we were singing together.  In fact I have no memories of my mom ever complimenting my singing even though she would compliment other girls in my choir. 

Maybe I don’t have a stellar voice but it isn’t bad and plus isn’t that what mom’s are supposed to do, compliment you? Especially as a child.  But I’m realizing that in many ways my mom isn’t the best at doing what mom’s are meant to do, no matter how much she’s insists she is. 

He laughs when I cry

He can always tell when I’m crying. Sometimes it’s easier when we are cuddled up on the couch and I soak his shirt. When we are on the phone he knows too. He knows when I am close to crying by just the sound of my voice, I didn’t even know my voice changed. 

Usually he gives a little chuckle and says “You’re crying aren’t you?” That’s for the less serious stuff, like sad movies or when I don’t even know why I’m sad.  But when I don’t even know why I’m sad is usually the more serious stuff for me. That’s then the sadness drags on for weeks because I don’t even know how to fix it when nothing’s wrong. 

Sometimes he doesn’t notice, like last night. When Tracy, or “the mom” on How I Met Your Mother’s boyfriend died at only 21 he thought I was just tired. But something like that hits close to home. 

I know I get my worrying from my mother and as much as I try it’s still there. Nights like tonight when he hasn’t answered his phone in hours when he normally takes minutes always make me think the worst for a second. I know he’s just busy with his business but I still have to stop myself  from wondering if he was in a car accident how long would it take for someone to let me know.