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Proposal for responding to a proposal

So I’ve been addicted to Gilmore Girls lately and also got my parents hooked. We are finally getting to the end of the original series and Logan just proposed to Rory. For the billionth time I had to ask myself, what does she see in him?!

Especially as she asks him if they can wait to get married and he tells her no. It’s all or nothing. He’s not willing to do long distance even though he’s the one moving away. As you can tell I’m screaming inside.

But I think it shows something interesting (more interesting than the fact the Logan is ridiculously immature). Loan wants to marry this girl but he is not even willing to have a long distance relationship with her. He wants to marry her and commit to her in good times and bad but he doesn’t even love her enough to commit to her in this bad time.

Rory has been going through so much and is struggling and he instead of supporting her when she needs someone or even noticing that she is upset is off in his own little world. Don’t you think if he really loved her and she really loved him they would have leaned on each other and he wouldn’t have added more stress by springing moving on her, let alone a marriage proposal, until he had at least acknowledged how she is doing let alone how she would feel about moving.

It makes me wonder, if everyone responded to a proposal by saying they wanted to wait a little longer to got married and just saw what the reaction to that is, how many marriages would it save? How many guys would respond like jerks and how many girls would be smart enough to run?

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A little broken

So I am reading through posts, just browsing, and happened to read a few from people who had gone through bad break ups. They both talked about how they are not the same person after and they don’t trust guys anymore. They know they should, and they hope to some dat but for now they just can’t.

I’ve never been through a bad breakup so at first I thought I couldn’t relate. But when they stayed explaining how when they see people they don’t see an opportunity to meet someone, they thunk of how they could get hurt. Reading that I realized that I am still carrying around my own baggage.

See when I was in elementary school I was bullied. Bullied to the pint I didn’t have any good friends. I knew that had affected me but I didn’t realize how much it does still to this day until it hit me in the face that it its not normal the way I don’t trust people. When I meet people I more often think of how they seem annoying or obnoxious than how they might be friendly. I assume people are jerks before I even know. Most of my friends had to be friendly enough that I was practically forced to know them and then trust them. I don’t tend to go out of my way for people even though I know I should.

Instead I stay alone and tell myself I like it better that way because my anxiety can think of way more problems I could come across if I were hanging out with people. I just don’t trust them not to hurt me so even if I’m lonely I don’t risk being vulnerable.

Which is ironic because I have an amazing relationship so in singe ways I have figured it out but it many ways when it comes to strangers I assume the worst. I assume I will be the dorky loser who will be the brunt of their jokes and then I can’t relax all night.

I’ve built up trust to get to such a good point with my boyfriend but it was hard for him at first too. To be honest I was a jerk because I just wouldn’t let me walls down.

I need to work on that but for tonight at least I can acknowledge that as an adult I’m still a little scarred after being bullied as a kid.

Helping

I can’t help but help. If you need help I can’t say no. But others can. They never seem to help the people helping so many people to the point they need help helping.

Do they not see they need help?

Do they see they need help but don’t see they are taking advantage of the helper by not helping?

Why help when you always get taken advantage of, you ask.

Like I said, I can’t help but help. Because what if the person who needs help is an overwhelmed helper who almost gave up on helping because they were sick of getting taken advantage of. The world seems to be short on helpers and I don’t think we can risk losing any more so please please at least help the overwhelmed helpers.

Buddy Bench

Have you ever heard of these? If you are older than 15 then you probably haven’t unless it was from your kids. Schools have started putting buddy benches in their yards where if a kid is feeling lonely they can sit and then another kid will come be their “buddy” since they need a friend.

I was at the park the other day with my younger cousins and brother and we saw one. Today I was talking with my older cousins and it turns out that one of my cousins is suffering with depression and couldn’t get himself out of bed to see us today.

I think adults need an equivalent of a buddy bench sometimes. Loneliness has become a very common thing with most people I know. Social media sure doesn’t help.

My one cousin commented that he thought our other cousin was engaged when he saw her wearing a ring in a Facebook photo. When we were talking later in the car my mom implied that he must creep us. I was telling her how that’s not even creeping, most people do that nowadays. Its become normal to know things about people’s lives without ever talking to them. I hate that. I’m sure when facebook started out they didn’t realize that they would be eliminating all those conversations about holidays and engagements and weddings because we don’t need to show each other photos face to face anymore.

I almost never post on social media. I don’t like to. I want to show my photos to those I care about and those who ask. There still needs to be a venue for those times you need to talk and don’t have anyone though. I’ve found that through blogging. I think all of us on WordPress have become virtual “buddies” to each other when we need it. This is one of the last places people are real and will even admit they need a friend, but when it comes down to it we all do sometimes.

Freakin’ Rock Tumbler

I was watching Gilmore Girls with my parents, one of the few things we seem to be able to do without arguing about something. But I guess not.

Luke gives his daughter a rock tumbler, which sure no big deal. Except I make a joke about how she actually got to use hers. You see maybe 10 years ago I got given a rock tumbler for my birthday. I loved collecting rocks back then so I couldn’t wait to use it. It turns out the thing has warnings on it that it can be loud and that it needs to run for hours to make the rocks smooth. My mom, being an occupational worryer, would not let me use something that could potentially bitten down the house, not even in the garage. So the rock tumbler sat in our basement for years. When I went to donate it in high school I got in shit because the thing was supposedly expensive.

About 8 years after it was bought, I finally snuck it out of the house and donated it so some other kid could at least be lucky enough to use it. However, my mom seems to have only found that out today while we watched Gilmore Girls and she is not happy about it. I clearly don’t value money as I have also donated new clothes that I kept four a long time but they weren’t my style at all and so after years I finally donated them.

Part of me just wanted to write this all down so I wouldn’t feel so crazy, like my mother has a habit of making me feel. It’s not even about being right, I just wish I didn’t have to fight with her so much. We go in circles over an issue with neither budging until I finally tell her to shut up over it because I’m sick of her accusing me of being a shitty person over and over again. See it’s never about the issue. We can’t even come to agreement on a rock tumbler because she just accuses me of not being appreciative and being spoiled.

Yeah my parents are absolutely amazing and having taken the best care of me and given me everything I and them as children could have wished for. But now that we are adults I wish we could talk about some of the harder stuff so I could understand. I want some acknowledgment to how much my mother worries and how it has affected my brother and I and is still affecting us but maybe she just can’t admit it to herself. Heck with writing all this maybe she has a bit of a problem with hoarding and can’t admit that either.

I just wish I could have any serious discussion with her without it blowing up in my face and I’m left feeling guilty because she may be crying but also scared because she may be mad at me for days. I really have got to move out for my own mental health, I can’t deal with these mind games.

Regrets

I’ve had a few… but then again too few to mention.

So I was reflecting on my day today and it has been an overall amazing day except I still couldn’t say it was perfect. So I asked myself if today was my last day what would I have regretted. It came to me right away. I would have regretted not being nicer to myself. I feel like my thoughts have been very toxic lately and I upset and stress myself out on my own more than life does. And its easy to blame it on life but most of the time it’s just not true that it’s life’s fault.

I’ve been trying not to complain lately and I’m then beating myself up for not being able to hit the perfection of zero complaints that I want to. I also can’t beat the urge to go on Facebook when I am trying to stop that too. I can’t enjoy a game of darts with my boyfriend when I am losing and I hate being a sore loser but also can’t stop myself. I can’t stop being rude to my mom when she’s being rude even though I want to restrain myself. I can’t make as much progress with the social media business with my boyfriend as I want to and I can’t stop beating myself up about all these things. Maybe it’s about something deeper than losing at darts and wasting time on my phone though. Heck this whole paragraph has begun complaining but at least I feel like I’m getting somewhere.

I didn’t realize that all these things I was feeling shitty for was me being upset with myself and how I’m not as good as I want myself to be at everything. I’m not perfect. I’m not accomplishing enough with my time. Heck you don’t even know how much time I spend analyzing how I spend my time! Its ridiculous.

So I guess I’m a perfectionist with myself but then the next question is how do I stop?

Things that surprise people about Female Engineers

I kid you not these were the things hanging around on my desk right now. Not too many people out there with a candle, hammer, paintbrush, pliers, and some half made jewellery all together on their desk

With being a female engineer I get some very interesting questions and comments. Some of them are annoying and get me riled up but in the end they honestly are downright funny.

I guess it comes with having varied interests. Another example, other than my desk, was when my friend got me a gift that was a beautiful dress and a shirt that has the Muppet scientists on it and says, “because science.” Weird combination for some? Maybe. But for me I absolutely loved both.

Having varied interests leads me to have some very interesting conversations. So here goes. If you ever wondered what it was like being a female engineer in a male dominated field I think these conversation sum it up well.

“For an engineer you have good social skills”

After meeting some new guys to help with an open house at my company and us talking to people all day long one of the guys casually said this to me as if they were surprised that engineers could actually be friendly, social beings. I must have been the exception to the rule in their heads. All I could say was, “um thanks?”

I’ve also gotten the variation…

“Most engineers won’t be able to do that insert any communication thing, but don’t worry we aren’t talking about you.”

This isn’t even a female problem. There is such a strong stereotype that engineers cannot for the life of them explain or write anything. I swear I got hired for my job because I said that I enjoy communicating and presenting.

“Are you supposed to be in this meeting?”

When I walked into a meeting full of guys and the guy who invited me to join the team wasn’t there yet. Sure, maybe it was just cause they didn’t know me but I’m sure if I was a guy it would be less likely to happen.

“Hi, my name is this and here is my business card. It was really nice meeting you at that networking event. If you ever need something we should meet up sometime.”

The number of times I’ve gotten hit on at networking events I have lost count of. It is so annoying. I feel like I can’t talk or be friendly because they will automatically think I’m flirting. And yeah sure this sounds innocent but this is after the guy showed specifically me at a table full of guys where his number was and then only sent out this email to me, not anyone else at the networking event. I know, it’s not rude or anything but it is exhausting that I feel like I have to constantly avoid getting hit on when I’m just trying to make connections. I’ve been asked out to a work lunch which turned out to be a date in his mind. I’ve told guys I have a boyfriend just to watch them continue hitting on me. I’ve walked past smoking areas and had guys stare and continue staring even when I turn to look at them staring. I’ve had guys follow me around at networking events and the list goes on. I get it, you don’t meet too many girls in your field but geez let women network without feeling like they have to avoid you because they can’t be friendly without leading you on.

“Hi, are you the secretary?”

You would think this doesn’t happen anymore but it does. I was working on something with my friend and a random guy came by and asked me if I was the secretary just because I was female and in the general vicinity of the secretaries desk and she wasn’t there. That’s all it took.

“Can you make the presentation more fun? because I’m not sure if the girls will be interested in drones.”

I was helping make a presentation for a girl guides event and this one annoyed me. I responded to him by giving him a dirty look and saying, “Why not? I’m interested in drones.” Because honestly, who is not interested in drones?! Thankfully, he was a nice guy and back pedaled really quickly. From now on he is a little more careful how he talks about girls and has corrected himself the odd time when I’m around and he’s going to say something semi sexist. I know tons of people would think this is no big deal, but if we allow everyone to talk about women as though they are just slightly stupid when it comes to everything to do with math and science it creates a culture. A culture where your daughters don’t go into STEM because they shouldn’t be interested.

All in all I just wanted to shed some light on the little things that people say that can get annoying. Like I said, think about the culture you are creating before you speak. Sometimes the innocent little things hurt too. I’m definitely lucky I haven’t had worse experiences but when there is still a pay gap and women getting stalked and sexually abused there is still a problem. Even though you may think these little things you say don’t contribute to the big problem, they do. They contribute to the culture that women are less that is the core of the problem.

Love

So I’m sitting here in the bath listening to some awesome country songs on my old iPod from when I was in high school and of course there are some great romance songs. Now a song that I don’t normally think of as a romance per say is Moments by Emerson Drive but hey the romance part has its moment in that song lol.

Okay I promise no more corny jokes for the rest of this blog post. But seriously, the song is about a man contemplating suicide but when he walks onto a bridge a homeless man notices him and talks him out of it by reminding him of all the good moments in his life. The man contemplating suicide is reminded of his wife and how his “love when it was right could always see me through.” They don’t ever mention where the wife is but I think they really touched on a good point about love.

All the corny romance movies tend to have someone who is afraid to fall in love because they don’t want to get hurt. No denying it, when you are in love there is a potential to get crushed. The more you love, the more you would get hurt if things weren’t right with the person you love.

The part they seem to leave out is that the more you love the less everything else hurts. When you are that in love that you have someone there who supports you through almost everything then almost everything doesn’t hurt you as much. I can definitely say from experience that the joy and happiness that my boyfriend of almost 5 years has brought into my life completely outweighs the pain of our fights and the one time we almost broke up.

Even if the guy in the song had his wife pass away or break up with him I think he would agree that everything she pulled him through was worth way more than what she put him through by not being there in that moment.

First spring Flowers!

So excited to see the first snow drops peep through. I always love having a few little flowers around the house, especially wildflowers. When I was living on campus with roommates I would go hiking and bring home wildflowers. I almost always had some in a vase in the kitchen. There is something beautiful about picking just the extra flowers that nature provided while still leaving others for everyone wise to enjoy on their walks. I was just talking with one of my old housemates and she said she misses having wildflowers in the kitchen and might just go find some herself to carry on the tradition. I didn’t even know she liked them that much, nice to know they were noticed.

Money and Power

It makes sense that if you center your whole promotion system around making more money that the people who move up are the ones focused on money. Therefore the leaders of companies are the most focused on money. When they should be making decisions that are the best for humanity and the company they are instead making all decisions based on money. Which sometimes aligns with the best decision for the company but very often does not align with the best decisions for humanity.