A little broken

So I am reading through posts, just browsing, and happened to read a few from people who had gone through bad break ups. They both talked about how they are not the same person after and they don’t trust guys anymore. They know they should, and they hope to some day but for now they just can’t.

I’ve never been through a bad breakup so at first I thought I couldn’t relate. But when they started explaining how when they see people they don’t see an opportunity to meet someone, they think of how they could get hurt. Reading that I realized that I am still carrying around my own baggage.

See when I was in elementary school I was bullied. Bullied to the point I didn’t have any good friends. I knew that had affected me but I didn’t realize how much it does still to this day until it hit me in the face that it its not normal the way I don’t trust people. When I meet people I more often think of how they seem annoying or obnoxious than how they might be friendly. I assume people are jerks before I even know. Most of my friends had to be friendly enough that I was practically forced to know them and then trust them. I don’t tend to go out of my way for people even though I know I should.

Instead I stay alone and tell myself I like it better that way because my anxiety can think of way more problems I could come across if I were hanging out with people. I just don’t trust them not to hurt me so even if I’m lonely I don’t risk being vulnerable.

Which is ironic because I have an amazing relationship so in some ways I have figured it out but it many ways when it comes to strangers I assume the worst. I assume I will be the dorky loser who will be the blunt of their jokes and then I can’t relax all night.

I’ve built up trust to get to such a good point with my boyfriend but it was hard for him at first too. To be honest I was a jerk because I just wouldn’t let my walls down.

I need to work on that but for tonight at least I can acknowledge that as an adult I’m still a little scarred after being bullied as a kid.

The moon’s presence

Isn’t it funny how easily your mood can shift sometimes.  I think I’ve gone from content and warm, to anxious and upset, to rushed and lonely, to feeling completely peaceful in God’s presence. It has all happened in the span of a few hours and I felt it all vividly . We can be very complex, yet the simplest things can set our soul at peace. Now if it were easier to understand how to bring those simple mood altering things into our life, then life would be simple. 

But the moon can just be the moon until you innocently look up and see the most perfect full moon framed by clouds as if it was drawn and taped to the window. It’s hard to believe it is even there, it mesmerizes you.  You know that a photo would never do it justice, so you let your eyes do it all the justice they can for as long as they can.  It ducks between windows as the bus turns and you realize that you almost feel a bit of panic.  You need to see it again. But only once you lean excessively in order to and get a glimpse do you realize how ridiculous it is that you needed to do that. The moon will always be there even if you can’t see it.  Even if you can’t see its beauty. 

Thoughts on writing

When I started this blog I had all these big dreams of writing, don’t get me wrong they are still there… just not as strong. I almost wonder, what’s the point? Even if I write a book, which is assuming a lot, then there is the problem of publishing and selling  the book which most people aren’t successful for.  

“Perhaps I write for no one. Perhaps for the same person children are writing for when they scrawl their names in the snow.”

– Margaret Atwood

Back when I was all excited because I had just started and was writing regularly, I realized again how much writing helps me clear my mind and focus my thoughts. I used to write a diary and always found the same thing.  So if I know it is good for me and I’ll enjoy it, why is it that once the excitement wore off I stopped writing.  

I do that with a lot of things. Go gung ho right off the bat and then once the “newness” wears off I slowly, gradually, without realizing it lose momentum.  

I’m feeling lonely tonight and that’s when I feel most like I need to change.  Not change myself but my habits.  My loneliness, which I sometimes worry borders on depression, tends to motivate me to do great things.  Makes me shake things up and try something new or finally, finally finish that old thing I had been procrastinating on. That urge for change led me back to writing tonight so I have to thank it for that. 

I’m jealous of my boyfriend.  He’s been praying more lately and says his whole life feels better since. I know what that is like and yet it too somehow ended up on my list of things that lost momentum. I’m having trouble getting it back. 

I thought I would have trouble with writing tonight as well but I feel like I could write forever now that I’ve started.  Maybe it’s just fear of starting and it not going well all in my head. 

Is it sad that writing makes me feel better than 90% of the conversations I have with people.  It would be nice if other people understood the feeling. I’m already the dork who loves math and physics, might as well add on reading and writing. Make me a well rounded dork.  A well rounded dork who would rather read on the bus than talk to people and literally hopes she won’t see people she knows because other people wouldn’t understand that.  

I’ve realized I also get a lot of motivation from doing things with clubs and teams.  If I feel responsible to other people I’m way more likely to show up. Choirs, sports teams, and now organizing events at work.  I enjoy being busy with all these things but I get to a point where I am so busy and feel so responsible that I’m just flowing between all these things I’m responsible for. I think that’s overdoing it a little, I can’t put my finger on why. But the lack of decisions that need to be made when I’m in that mode is a giveaway that maybe I’m just running away from things instead of making the decision to go towards them.  

He laughs when I cry

He can always tell when I’m crying. Sometimes it’s easier when we are cuddled up on the couch and I soak his shirt. When we are on the phone he knows too. He knows when I am close to crying by just the sound of my voice, I didn’t even know my voice changed. 

Usually he gives a little chuckle and says “You’re crying aren’t you?” That’s for the less serious stuff, like sad movies or when I don’t even know why I’m sad.  But when I don’t even know why I’m sad is usually the more serious stuff for me. That’s then the sadness drags on for weeks because I don’t even know how to fix it when nothing’s wrong. 

Sometimes he doesn’t notice, like last night. When Tracy, or “the mom” on How I Met Your Mother’s boyfriend died at only 21 he thought I was just tired. But something like that hits close to home. 

I know I get my worrying from my mother and as much as I try it’s still there. Nights like tonight when he hasn’t answered his phone in hours when he normally takes minutes always make me think the worst for a second. I know he’s just busy with his business but I still have to stop myself  from wondering if he was in a car accident how long would it take for someone to let me know.