My grandpa passed away a few days ago and even though it was his time and I can accept that I’m still left with these clear projdctions of him in my future. I can picture him writing corny jokes in the card for my graduation. I can picture him joking with my in-laws at my wedding. I can imagine us going out and him talking to strangers and becoming friends. You couldn’t beat his friendly smile and sense of humour. I can picture him being so proud of my brother going into the trades and them sharing work stories. It’s as clear as if it happenned and I don’t know how to let my brain know that it will never happen.
He just barely made it past when I finished school and my brother got in the union but by the time it happened his Alzheimer’s was so bad that he couldn’t remember us.
I sat with him a few days ago and just held his hand and fixed his oxygen mask every few seconds even though no matter what it would always slip down as he tried to cough or sometimes looked like he was trying to sleep. I saw my grandma sad for the first time in my life she stayed with him the whole night after he died until they picked up his body in the morning.
These are my mangled thoughts right now. I feel more worry for my father and my grandma than I even feel sadness. I miss him for sure, but in many ways I already had to say bye. I had to say bye when he couldn’t remember how to play checkers anymore. I had to say bye when he forgot our names. I had to say bye when they told him he couldn’t leave the hospital and go home anymore. I had to say bye when he stopped being present in reality. I had to say bye when he stopped talking. Now I guess I still have one final goodbye of his body. Of his big smile and strong hands and comb over white hair.
The shelf he made me only a few years ago