When I started this blog I had all these big dreams of writing, don’t get me wrong they are still there… just not as strong. I almost wonder, what’s the point? Even if I write a book, which is assuming a lot, then there is the problem of publishing and selling the book which most people aren’t successful for.
“Perhaps I write for no one. Perhaps for the same person children are writing for when they scrawl their names in the snow.”
– Margaret Atwood
Back when I was all excited because I had just started and was writing regularly, I realized again how much writing helps me clear my mind and focus my thoughts. I used to write a diary and always found the same thing. So if I know it is good for me and I’ll enjoy it, why is it that once the excitement wore off I stopped writing.
I do that with a lot of things. Go gung ho right off the bat and then once the “newness” wears off I slowly, gradually, without realizing it lose momentum.
I’m feeling lonely tonight and that’s when I feel most like I need to change. Not change myself but my habits. My loneliness, which I sometimes worry borders on depression, tends to motivate me to do great things. Makes me shake things up and try something new or finally, finally finish that old thing I had been procrastinating on. That urge for change led me back to writing tonight so I have to thank it for that.
I’m jealous of my boyfriend. He’s been praying more lately and says his whole life feels better since. I know what that is like and yet it too somehow ended up on my list of things that lost momentum. I’m having trouble getting it back.
I thought I would have trouble with writing tonight as well but I feel like I could write forever now that I’ve started. Maybe it’s just fear of starting and it not going well all in my head.
Is it sad that writing makes me feel better than 90% of the conversations I have with people. It would be nice if other people understood the feeling. I’m already the dork who loves math and physics, might as well add on reading and writing. Make me a well rounded dork. A well rounded dork who would rather read on the bus than talk to people and literally hopes she won’t see people she knows because other people wouldn’t understand that.
I’ve realized I also get a lot of motivation from doing things with clubs and teams. If I feel responsible to other people I’m way more likely to show up. Choirs, sports teams, and now organizing events at work. I enjoy being busy with all these things but I get to a point where I am so busy and feel so responsible that I’m just flowing between all these things I’m responsible for. I think that’s overdoing it a little, I can’t put my finger on why. But the lack of decisions that need to be made when I’m in that mode is a giveaway that maybe I’m just running away from things instead of making the decision to go towards them.