I’m starting to realize that a lot of the time when I’m feeling down it comes from a place of not feeling listened to. Of trying and trying to talk and getting ignored, or interrupted, or given a fluff response because the person you are trying to talk to isn’t really listening. They are busy doing something, or thinking about something and to me it feels like they are literally saying, “This insert other thing is more important than what you are saying, it is more important than you.”
Now I know that sounds dramatic. And 99% of the time that is not what they mean. Trust me, I know because I’m guilty of it too. When I get home from work and my mom is just talking my ear off but I just want quiet, I am really not absorbing most of what she is saying. There is a lot of nodding along and yessing happening on my part too, which I definitely need to work on. But you see, my mom is different from me in the sense that she doesn’t acknowledge the need for space. She will just keep talking for the longest time not really noticing much or caring much what my responses are. Or maybe it just feels like that because I tend to just give her the responses she wants so that she’ll get off my back. Anyways, I’m about to fall into the complaining about my mother black hole which is not what I was going for with this post.
Like I was saying before, I’m different from my mom because even if I’m only half a sentence in and I realize the other person is not listening I just stop talking. I’m not going to waste my time. But at the same time, it is absolutely crushing to realize how little people care what you have to say. Sometimes they don’t even notice you stopped.
I’ve been trying to speak up for myself more. Like when my mom talks over me I’ll call her out on it. It didn’t work though. Now it just stings to have to make a fuss just to say whatever little thing I wanted to mention just to have her change right back to what she was talking about before as if I never said it. As if I might as well not have.
Sometimes when I feel like this it’s not even that I have anything important to say. No ground breaking news or anything. But aren’t my thoughts worth listening to?
Is it wrong to just want to feel heard?
One good thing that comes out of it is that it pushes me to write again. To get my thoughts out somehow, even if it’s to strangers instead of loved ones.
half a purpose 