Such a shitty title, I know. But man I have so many things going through my head right now that who knows what is going to be written down once I start writing. I want to write about how sad I felt yesterday, how it was the saddest I can remember feeling since I was a kid. I want to write about religion and what I believe. I want to write about how great of sex I just had. I want to write about everything.
I missed writing. And it’s funny because the only one who knows who I am is my boyfriend, and he’s probably going to give me shit for writing about us having sex when he reads this, but I was starting to feel like I couldn’t write whatever I wanted on here. Or as if I was writing on here to get feedback. I forgot my plan already. To write on here instead of in my diary because in my diary my thoughts aren’t helping anyone but on here they might be. So hell, why not. Wanting to make some sort of positive impact on the world is a huge driving factor to me, part of my purpose you could say lol. So I’m going to do just that, write like it is my diary. Just let me thoughts flow like they do when I write in my diary and not filter it at all. I need to stop caring what people think about me anyways and wanting so much for people to like this that I cared what they thought of me without them even knowing me is so ridiculous that once I figured out that is what was bothering me I’ve been wanting to write since, to prove that wrong, prove my self wrong.
Man this is really helping my typing too. I like writing in cursive because then I can almost keep up with my thought for how fast I can write, taking into account it is barely legible for how messy it is. But me wanting to keep up with my thoughts right now has me typing better than I ever have. Guess this was all the motivation I needed.
So anyways, yesterday I was feeling pretty upset because I got yet another reminder about how shitty my grades are. My teacher was having office hours to have people look over their midterms and see if they were marked fairly. I was dreading seeing that horrible 53% again but I knew it was stupid not to go just because the low grade would make me upset. The fact the low grade was making me upset was exactly way I needed to go. So I’m walking home after getting an extra .5 of a mark and feeling pretty shitty about my 60 something average, I don’t even want to calculate exactly what it is because I swear it will just upset me more. I guess to put this in perspective you have to realize I’m the cliché nerd, had a 94% average leaving high school and have never got so many 50%’s in my life so they really hurt. But really this shit usually happens in first year university, or at least they always say it does. How the smart kids crash and burn because they aren’t used to working hard. Guess I just have to learn how to work hard and deal with not the best grades now. Learn how to accept it, move on, and get better.
God, I hope no one ever figures out I wrote this. I hate having people know too much about me. There are very few people I open up to. I’m one of those people that would absolutely hate being famous. Not that a silly blog would ever make me famous but just tot give you an example of how I feel about attention. Another example, which is kinda the same, is how I have always wanted to write a book. This is probably great practice. But anyways, if I ever wrote a book it would be under a pseudo-name because I wouldn’t want the attention. I don’t want that many to know my thoughts. Not that I am not proud of them, well some of them I’m not. Like thinking about how great sex is, but that’s probably cause I was raised catholic and have heard how bad sex is yada yada. Whole other rant I could go on there. I’m sure you’ll hear it eventually lol. But, believe it or not, I actually do have a few things I want to focus on with what I am writing tonight and that is not one of them.
So back to yesterday, I got home after walking home and feeling shitty and decided to sit outside and read because for once the sun was out and it was probably one of the few decently warm days we would get. Plus I have been meaning to read more for forever. So I grabbed a sucker and music and sat outside enjoying myself. Then I came in and relaxed for a bit. Remembered how I had no groceries and my boyfriend was coming over for dinner so I went out grocery shopping. Was happy to finally get all this food after eating crappy leftovers for most of the week and was even enjoying the music is the grocery store but then I got home and it just hit. I didn’t want to put my groceries away, I didn’t want to even take my shoes off. I just wanted to be sad. I forced myself to put the stuff in the freezer and fridge and then just sat on my couch curled up in blankets, staring at nothing and wanting to cry. Then, this always makes it all the worse, I started thinking about how I had nothing to be this sad for and how I must be crazy or depressed or something is wrong with me to feel this sad when I’ve had such a happy good life. Grades are stupid and not even that important. I knew it was so bad me sitting there sad as hell so I forced myself up and got my laptop to watch a sad movie. Sad movies almost always do the trick and cheer me up. Oranges and Sunshine it was and man, compared to those orphans I had nothing to be sad for. I ended up crying for them instead of me and was able to turn my mood around. But still it bothers me. How does sadness so strong hit you like that out of the blue? how do I stop it from happening again?
I obviously don’t know those answers so might as well write about the other things I’ve been thinking about, religion. A few week ago I figured out a lot about what I believe and was finally about to put my feelings about the subject into words. Actually had a great conversation about it with my boyfriend. Sadly, I’ve been shitty about writing so even though I meant to write about this, now it’s been a while and I probably won’t remember it as well. I realized that there are every few things I’m sure about with religion. Even though I’m roman catholic and go to mass most Sundays, I really don’t believe the majority of what is taught. I believe in God. I’m so so sure of that. I just feel it. I’ve talking to him since I was a kid, he’s always been there for me. He is good and he cares and he is so much smarter and calmer then us. I always feel as though he is in total control of his emotions. other than that I believe that all religions are believing in the same God. Hindu, and Buddhist and Muslim, we are all praying to this thing we can just sense. We know he is real and that he cares about each of us. I think we are just all human and maybe we are not capable of knowing more, no matter how much we want to, we just can’t understand. We want to so badly though that we try to anyways through all of these different religions. Thinking about it now I really want to look up the similarities between all the religions and then maybe I’ll find more that I can believe in. Honestly, I don’t know if I believe in heaven and hell, or even the devil. I’m okay with not knowing about heaven. If it exist, all I’m sure that I would want is to see my loved ones again. If it doesn’t then I have a whole like tot hank God for and that is more than enough because I didn’t even ask for this, my life was given to me freely and I will never be able to be deserving of it. Maybe that is what I want. To be deserving of life. To put way more good into the world than bad. Maybe earth is supposed to be our heaven and we just have to make it that. We have choice after all, we are capable of so much.
Well I’m getting tired of writing so this is when I would usually close up the diary and call it a night. Guess I felt like you guys might need some sort of conclusion and this is it. Definitely not as polished as my other talks but to be honest this is what I meant to do in the first place.