uncomfortable growth spurts

It’s amazing how hard it can be to start things, including this. You have no idea how much I want to start this blog. I’ve been having this feeling lately; this need to start something or do something or really just figure myself out. Writing usually helps me with that last part, however I’m usually writing in the privacy of my own diary. I like my privacy. Even right now I am pretending I’m doing homework every time my housemate comes in the room. But I feel like I need a change, need to switch up the usual routine. Ever since university has started back up I’ve felt like something is wrong. This is definitely partially due to all the problems I have with university that I could complain about until I’m blue in the face, but I’ll leave that for now. It is more than just complaints about university. Something is missing and so I’m going on some crazy adventure into the unknown to find it… problem is I don’t know what “it” is. So I’m left here feeling all revved up, armour on, ready to fight the dragon but stuck figuring out which dragon I need to fight.

Maybe not the best reason to start a blog. Maybe I should just figure out my shit on my own. But I figured I’m not the only one who has been on this quest for purpose. So, why not help out the future people trying to figure themselves out. Maybe in the midst of all my rambling that comes when I open up my mind and just let the thoughts flow onto the page, there will be some hidden gems. I usually find my rambling gets me to great ideas when I write. Or if not then, when I go back and read my diary.

Point is, I don’t know if this blog is going to become part of my purpose or just help lead me to it, but I’m hoping it is one of those two options. Hell even if it’s not, I love writing down my thoughts. I think it is because it gives me time to think. Forces me to stop and look at my life and reflect on it. Then when I go back and read it I start to notice the patterns. I notice how the things that give me the best days are almost always something to do with my boyfriend or family or close friends. I notice the bad things too which is great, because then I don’t get stuck going in circles not even realizing that it is the same thing that keeps pissing me off. Seeing the patterns allows me to get rid of whatever the bad thing is and move on with my life, maybe even laugh at myself for how long it took me to realize it when it was so obvious. Maybe I’m hoping a little too that someone out there will see this and notice one of those patterns and point it out to me. Because let’s be honest, sometimes we are so blind to the important stuff. We don’t even see how much we have or what we are doing wrong.

So yeah, that’s why I’m here. That plus a stupid book called “Crushing It”. Sounds like some old self-help book that you would only find forgotten in a library, eh? Well it was. Only my boyfriend checked it out and I then borrowed it from him because that boy has got me hooked on non-fiction books. Never thought that would happen. Also never thought a book with such a bad title would be the first self-help book that I would put into action. Yet here I am, writing my first blog post.

That could be a gem right there. Half the time when I read these self-help books or business books I’m subconsciously thinking: when in the world am I ever going to need to know this?? But heck I feel like that about a lot of my engineering courses too. Instead I  should be going out and learning  much as I can, no matter if I use it or not. Because you never know, the next book you read might push you to do something great. It might be exactly what you need but on first glance it just looks like an ugly old business book about making your own online brand.

Speaking of brands, here’s my brand. I want to be:  Genuine . Humble . Kind  …and yes, part of that did come from a country song. But that’s a side thought.

Back to learning. Learning never hurts, it is the change that hurts. It’s like a growth spurt. Suddenly nothing fits and as much as you don’t want to give up your favourite t-shirt and everything you know, you have to. You have to start fresh. I think that is why I have felt like such a mess lately. I’m learning all his stuff that makes me want to be better but trying to actually be better is ripping me apart. Nothing seems good enough, and I can’t even relax and take a night off without feeling guilty for not doing something with myself, my time, my life. But I think that’s good. It’s good to want more from life than to just want to watch a bunch of Netflix and stay in my same old habits.  It is good to know more and want more and be frustrated when you are not doing something that helped you learn or grow or shape your dream, something that helps you find your purpose.

I’m a mess and that’s good. Because one day I won’t fluster around for words when someone asks what my purpose is. One day I’ll be able to tell you what I want from life and how I’m getting it and it will all be thanks to those uncomfortable growth spurts. Because what else makes you stop and check if you are even fighting the right dragon?

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s